


sentiment

by outglut



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Depression, Female pronouns for Grell, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicide Attempt, because fuck you she's a woman, implied period-typical transphobia, more implied than anything - Freeform, read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outglut/pseuds/outglut
Summary: "We Grim Reapers were once human too and all. Humans who have committed suicide become 'Grim Reapers' as punishment. We're worked to the bone until the day we're forgiven, a captive audience to the deaths of man. For us, who've committed suicide, to have to bear witness to their earthly regrets and lust for life day in and day out is a depressing state of affairs indeed."Grell is assigned to a case. Unsurprisingly, she breaks some rules.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	sentiment

**Author's Note:**

> if you didnt read the tags, this deals with some heavy topics! read at your own discretion. stay safe kids

_ Alice King. Scheduled to die on the 18th of May at 9:39 PM. _

It’d been a while since Grell was assigned to a case this far in advance.  _ Two months? _ Really, did dispatch think she was  _ this _ incompetent? Sure, she got distracted sometimes, but could anyone really blame her for that? When they partnered her with Will, or heavens forbid, when she happened to run into that butler, well, who could fault a lady for looking?

Ah, there she goes, proving her own point. Focus. Job.

Alice King, upon a more detailed look into her file, was a fair lady of 17 years old. Very young, in Grell’s educated opinion. Too many young people died before they could live, in these days. Grell hated getting these cases… though, she did suppose that it was better than having to be faced with the horrors of old age. She sure lucked out on that one, didn’t she?

As she wasn’t partnered on this case(surprisingly or unsurprisingly, take your pick), Grell found ample time to take both to herself and to study her assignment. Alice King’s life was… typical, to say the least. Routine. She had a mother and a father, as people tend to do. A little brother by the name of George.  _ George King? _ Grell got a bit of a chuckle out of that. Alice was also betrothed, to a man Grell had yet to see. She picked up a name- Henry Cook- but that was about it. 

Alice woke up early in the morning every day. She took her morning tea with one sugar. She ate her first meal quietly, then went on to be taught… something(Grell may have stopped paying attention) by a teacher her father hired. She went out with friends some days. Others, she stayed home and practiced the piano. It was a lovely sound. Grell really did love music. On those days when Alice stayed in, Grell would sit at Alice’s desk, hidden naturally by her powers, and listen. Sometimes, Alice would mess up and smack the piano keys, then take a deep breath and continue. Other times, Alice would mess up and lay her head on the piano in frustration, letting the discordant notes ring.

It was unnoticeable at first. Alice’s waking time was pushed ever so slightly later, then later again, then later again, until her mother started barging in unannounced and flinging her curtains open, sternly demanding she get up for the day, that sleeping in wasn’t ladylike.

Grell, personally, thought that was nonsense. A lady needed her beauty sleep. Who’s to say how long that should last if not the lady herself? But, well, it wasn’t her life.

She didn’t think too much of Alice’s change in sleeping habits. It wasn’t important.   
  


Another couple of weeks, and Grell noticed that Alice had grown thin. She hadn’t been hanging around at mealtimes anymore- what was the point in that?- but the next time she did, she noticed that Alice ate significantly less than the last time she’d checked in.

_ Checked in? _ Really, Grell, you’d think after this long you’d detach yourself from the case. You aren’t her  _ mother _ . Just get the job done.

But something kept Grell watching. She couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but something in her mind was making her stay. 

One night, Grell popped in to see if any more interesting developments had occurred, and was greeted with Alice curled up in the center of her bed, weeping. She stayed like that for a long time before eventually falling asleep. Her brother peeked in an hour later and tucked her in.

Oh, well. That’s a thing young girls do. They have their moments. Nothing to be worried about.

Why would she be  _ worried _ in the first place? Silly Grell. Sentiment is for weaker women.

Still, it was hard to ignore the dust settling on the piano.

It was harder yet to ignore Alice sorting through her jewelry box a couple days later, placing items into little gift boxes and setting them next to a stack of well-worn books.

It was harder  _ yet _ to ignore when the boxes and books disappeared, and the jewelry reappeared in the possession of friends that came to pick her up for outings.

And it was hardest to ignore when Alice emptied a bag she’d brought home and stored a coil of rope underneath her bed.

Finally, Grell realized what had been going on the entire time. Foolish, really, that she hadn’t known it all along. For someone who’d passed through all those stages herself…. one would think she’d know when she saw them in another. Perhaps it had been too long since those days. Perhaps that was a good thing.

But, it didn’t matter. Just another new recruit, Grell supposed.

Grell stopped checking in on Alice after that.

On the evening of May the 18th, Grell was situated in Alice King’s room at 8:00 PM sharp. She watched as Alice sat on her bed, staring blankly for half an hour, then got up and pulled the rope from under her bed, tying it into a noose. She seemed as though she’d practiced. 

At 9:30 PM, Alice King pulled the stool from her vanity into the center of her room. She stood up on it and tied her noose to a hook in the ceiling, the decoration that once hung there lying on the floor. She stared at her creation for a minute or two.

Grell rested her cheek on one hand as she waited. When she pulled it away, the cuff of her shirt and her wrist were both damp with black-tinted water. Ah, great. She pulled out a compact mirror and quickly fixed that situation. 

When she looked back, Alice was still looking at the noose. It was 9:32 PM. 

At 9:33 PM, Alice gripped either side of the loop and lowered her head.

_ “Wait!” _

_   
_ _   
_ Fuck. Shit. Why would you  _ do _ that?

Alice startled, her head snapping up so she could stare directly at Grell. From her perspective, some stranger had just appeared at her bedroom window. Understandable to be shocked.

  
  
“Who- who  _ are _ you? No, how did you get in here?” she asked, voice shaking. Her hands tightened on the noose.

“I-” Grell started, then sighed. “Step down, please, and I’ll explain.”   
  


“What kind of- absolutely not! I’ll call for help if you don’t explain this instant.”

  
  
“No, you won’t. Your parents will see all this-” Grell gestured to Alice’s setup- “if you do. Step down, please.”

Maybe Grell had managed to make a good point, because Alice sighed and lowered herself from the stool, sitting on it instead with the noose hanging above her. 

  
  
“Now, who are you?  _ What _ are you?”

  
  
Grell took a breath. “Ah, to hell with it. I’m a Grim Reaper.”  _ Real _ Will move there, Grell. Great job. Just cashing in on all the impulsive decisions you’ve already used too much of, aren’t you?

“You’re…. you expect me to  _ believe _ that?”

Grell sighed, and with a bit of focusing, disappeared from Alice’s view again.

“Wh-”

  
  
Grell reappeared, waving at her. “Hello.”

“H- no, this isn’t happening. I’m dreaming,” Alice insisted.

“If you’d like to think that, feel free,” Grell offered with a shrug. “Take this as a sign, if you will.”

  
  
“A sign?”

“You know.  _ From above.” _ She pointed upwards, towards the ceiling. Well, past it, really. “You-” she paused. “I’m not the best at this. Don’t do this.”

  
  
“Don’t do..”

  
  
“This.” She gestured again at Alice’s setup. 

“Why… why do you  _ care?” _

_   
_ _   
_ Great question, Alice. Why  _ do _ you care, Grell? 

“I’m so tired of seeing new recruits, Alice,” Grell answered. 

  
  
“How do you- new-”

  
  
“People who take their own lives… if you do that, you become one of us.”

  
  
“A… a Grim Reaper.”

  
  
“Yes. It isn’t a pretty job, darling. It’s punishment.”

“But… I would be  _ free.” _

“You would be chained to another set of rules, another unsatisfying life. It’s… Alice, trust me when I say it is  _ so _ hard to have  _ fun  _ like this.”

  
  
Alice answered with silence.

“You don’t want to end up like me, dear.”

  
  
“You do seem like quite the scary woman,” Alice agreed, with a bit of a sad smile.

Grell felt a rush of pride for a moment. Not the time, not the time. “Exactly.”

  
  
“But.. what else is there to  _ do?” _

“Well, what’s the matter?” 

You’re playing  _ therapist _ with an assignment?? Just kill her! Collect her damn soul!

“I..”

  
  
“It’s okay. I don’t have anyone to tell.” Grell made a motion, as if she were buttoning her lips shut.

Alice sighed. “It’s… well, it’s everything. It’s my family, and it’s my routine, and it’s education, and it’s my fiance,” she said.

  
  
Grell nodded, prompting her to go on.

Alice spent the next five minutes or so airing out her troubles. A couple times, she choked up, but quickly wiped away the oncoming tears and continued. And Grell listened.

“... and I just- I don’t want to  _ marry him-” _

“Then don’t,” Grell said.

Alice blinked, then gave a short, bitter laugh. “You don’t understand, madame. I have to do this. It’s to uphold the family. It’s required of me.”

“May I let you in on a little secret, Alice?”

Alice nodded slowly.

“Things will always be  _ required _ of you. Hell, even in death. Life is so much better when you think about yourself for once. Do something for you. Don’t marry him. Is there another, or is it just that he’s a bastard?”

  
  
“It isn’t him,” Alice responded sadly. “He’s wonderful, I just..”

“You just?”

  
  
“Do you promise you won’t tell anyone?”

  
  
Grell nodded. “Of course.”

  
  
“I… well, one of my friends… her and I…” she trailed off.

Grell smiled. “I see. Well, then, what else is there to do than run off with her?”

  
  
Alice blinked again. “No, I could never. It would never be allowed.”

With another sigh, Grell reached for Alice’s hand, then paused. “May I?”

  
  
Alice nodded.

Grell took Alice’s hand in both of hers. “The rules you live by are made by men. Not gods. Just men. Make your own rules, Alice. Just damn it all and run off with her.”

  
  
“It’s… it’s forbidden, though.”

  
  
“By who?”

  
  
“By…”

“By men. You can do it. Whatever may happen, it’s better than… it’s better than dying like this. It’s better than getting stuck in this kind of job.”

  
  
“Did you…” Alice paused. “I’m sorry, this is impolite.”

  
  
“Go on. Politeness was made by men, too.”

  
  
“Did you die like this?”

  
  
“Not like  _ this, _ specifically. But, yes.”

  
  
“Why?”

  
  
Grell hesitated. “Because I thought that dying would be better than being who I was.”

“Do you regret it?”

  
  
“Yes, and no. It’s complicated. I didn’t have as many people to love me as you do, Alice. Only a couple, and… seeing how they were affected... it was horrid.”

  
  
Alice seemed to mull this over.

Grell continued. “The people who love you will be devastated. And you will have to live, forever, with what you did. If I could trade this life now for a mortal one, to live a full life with those I love now, I would do it in a heartbeat. So, if not for you, do it for me, hm?” she said with a smile. “Live your full life. Don’t let a stupid piece of paper and a stamp tell you when you’re meant to die.”

  
  
Suddenly, Alice took her hand from Grell’s and climbed back up on the stool. Grell froze, watching as Alice reached up to the noose again-

And took it down from its hook in the ceiling.

Grell let out a breath as she stood up straight, and Alice stepped down from the chair, facing Grell with the noose in hand. 

“... Thank you,” Alice said quietly.

“Of course,” Grell responded. 

Alice, after a moment, stepped forward and dropped the noose, instead putting her arms around Grell.

The reaper froze again. Her vision went blurry for a moment, but she willed it away and placed a hand on Alice’s back.

When Alice pulled away, her cheeks were damp. “What… what is your name? You never said.”

  
  
“Ah. It’s Grell. But, well… hopefully you won’t be needing to use it for a long while, yes?”

  
  
Alice nodded. “I… yes. I think… I think I can make my plans soon, then. For my full life.”

  
  
“With her?”   
  


“With her,” Alice confirmed.

Grell smiled again. “We may be strangers, but I’m proud of you.”

  
  
Alice smiled back, wiping at her cheeks. “It’s been a long while since someone has said that to me.”

\-----------

When Grell exited the King residence, she was greeted by a familiar voice.

  
  
“You  _ know _ that’s against the rules, correct?”

  
  
Grell turned. “Ahh, I thought I recognized those dulcet tones. Here to lecture me, my dearest William?” she asked with a grin.

William, stoic as ever, crossed his arms over his chest. “Drop the act, Sutcliff. You should know by now that reapers are not to meddle with those that are set to die.”

  
  
“Yes, yes, blah blah blah, rules rules rules. Is that all you know how to talk about? I do wish you’d say some more entertaining things, sometimes. Profess your undying love for me, perhaps?”

That earned her a smack to the back of the head. She raised a hand to where she’d been hit, pouting. It didn’t hurt, she just wanted to be dramatic about it.

“In any case, we’ll deal with this when we return. I swear. One day, you’ll learn to do your job the way it’s meant to be done.”   
  


“Darling, if I ever do, I give you full permission to kill me.”

There was a long pause, then a sigh from William.

“Grell… why  _ her. _ You haven’t wanted to save a soul since- well.”   
  


“Ah, don’t remind me~” Grell faked a shudder at the memory, earning another smack.

“Quit deflecting.”   
  


Grell sighed.

“I’m so sick of new recruits, Will,” she repeated.

  
  
  



End file.
